It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
