It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
