Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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