turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think a kid would responsible me up
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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