I just cut my nipple shaving
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
