I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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