the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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