I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
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i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill