Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.