I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
