If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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