I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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