So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
