It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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