He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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