She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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