I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
