So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I did not marry a roomba.
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