guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
