Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
