You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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