I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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