Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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