dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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