She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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