Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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