I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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