News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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