The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
