Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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