3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
