He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
