no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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