the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
sarcasm needs its own font
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
