he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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