I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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