Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
