I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
