i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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