i need an iv and a liver transplant
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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