who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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