At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
