I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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