he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
