Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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