There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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