this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
