Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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