She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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