Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
