When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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