Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
