Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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