Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
