best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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