She said her name was "party"
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Someone signed my nipple.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
