I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
