i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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