if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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