it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
As shirtless as possible
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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