Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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