Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
