i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
