I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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