Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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