I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
