why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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