That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
