Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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