I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Can I color on your dick again?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
His nipple licking is glorious
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